I wish I could teleport
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
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