if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize