Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize