Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
