i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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