i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
