does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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