I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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