I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
