All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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