I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
