just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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