all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
