I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
