Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
