I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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