So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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