Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
