Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Text me some of your sweat
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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