i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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