I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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