I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize