i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
