I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
