There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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