What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
