he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
