the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
