Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
