Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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