3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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