i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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