Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
