Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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