official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
