So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
