She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
