Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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