Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize