connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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