Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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