i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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