You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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