I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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