i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
