I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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