She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
