He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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