Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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