The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
