So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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