we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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