so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
