Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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