He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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