watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
