Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
