turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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