Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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