My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I smell like Dick and happiness
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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