If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
