I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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