she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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