I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
