i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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