capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
