I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
